what if every blade of grass was a penis?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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