Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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