Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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