I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
