I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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