I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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