I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
