Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
