my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
