Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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