On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
this boner is exhausting
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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