Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
