Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
