she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
