it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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