So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
