I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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