I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
