Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
