Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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