GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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