Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
did i just pee glitter
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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