Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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