The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
