My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
