I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
