Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
