I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
