I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize