shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
