things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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