I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Quick, to the slutcave!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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