She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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