she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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