Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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