the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
