I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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