Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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