Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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