i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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