just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
