yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
