So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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