Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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