some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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