Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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