On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
