Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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