No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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