It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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