my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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