Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Randomize
