You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
