I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
