i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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