what day is it and did you see me today?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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